Pretty certain I can more drunk
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*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
#Caturday
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.