Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
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I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.