@goodgrief_rats

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

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@SkinnieTalls

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

@shopkins776

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

@murrman5

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

@noog

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

@House_Feminist

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

@seandunn76

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

@ObKeeng

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

@T_Bonezzz_

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

@aksorojas

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it