Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

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Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?


Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now


“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”


My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.


Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on


Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.


15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.


“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn


I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it