Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
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Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild