pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
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Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
won’t smith
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.