Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
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Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I can’t stop laughing at this
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP