pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
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I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud