Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
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Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*