Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.