Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
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Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles