Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
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Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.