Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
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[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Sniffing the broccoli
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
“and how does that make you feel?”
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*