*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
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He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford