Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

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The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.


Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.


A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”


ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely


We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…


Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.


Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal


My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets


(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)