Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Not even remotely sorry.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir