@petemandik

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

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@shanethevein

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

@BuglegsMcWalshy

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

@TheAndrewNadeau

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

@ristolable

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

@batkaren

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

@QwertyJones3

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

@TheBoydP

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

@English_Channel

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

@Merman_Melville

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)