Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
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Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I need to update my racial profile.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.