Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
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“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.