Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

Sex so good you see dead people.

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

What fresh Hell is this?!?

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.