Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
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ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”