pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
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The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
BRO LMFAO
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.