pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
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Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
emergency phone
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.