Pretty much. 🤣
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me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
😂 amazing answer
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
A friend helps you before you need it