Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
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Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.