Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
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Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower