Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
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I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I know
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
is this a warning or an offer?
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.