Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
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Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I鈥檒l assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we鈥檝e been doing the last seven years?
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they鈥檙e carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Elsa: 馃幎 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.