Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
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We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry