Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
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I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.