Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

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I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.


[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”


DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]


Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar


At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.


I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that


I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*