@bees_wingz I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
@robfee Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
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@bees_wingz 
@cornlog Canada has crack?
@DanMentos [terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
@greenTetrah theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
@tastefactory DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
@AnOrangeSNES Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
@girl_a_whirl Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
@mrt1m At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
@dulcetry I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
@SavageDabs69 I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*