Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
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I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*