Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
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I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.