Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
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Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
My neck, my back, my…