Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
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After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
My purse is deeper than some people.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.