Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
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There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
me linking you to my twitter
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I wanna be friends with this person
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.