Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
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Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Looking at you, Jesus.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30