Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

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uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there


Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.


Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing


Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.


[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked


doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom


What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?


watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome


Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*