@AmishPornStar1

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

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@thecassiecao

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

@NEthingButWork

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

@Try2StopME

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

@bewgtweets

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

@robfromonline

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

@nerdcula

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

@IamEnidColeslaw

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

@tastefactory

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*