Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
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Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.