Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
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Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”