Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
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There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
everyone has that one prude friend
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
A short story of betrayal:
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.