Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
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BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
That’s not how days work.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.