Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
🤣😈🤣
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Don’t snitch tag.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.