@heymonroe

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

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@david8hughes

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

@KevinFarzad

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

@TrolleyCat

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

@SaraESpivey

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

@JohnHilsen

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

@krisv_723

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

@DamienFahey

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

@jakelikesnaps

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

@ohhelloitsmax

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

@Jamberee13

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.