Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

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I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe


For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.


At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.


*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better


My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.


When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”


Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.


Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that