Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
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“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.