Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”. - @kelkulus

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

lol

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