Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
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My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
My boss called in sick of me
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
This is true.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.