Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
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if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Very good news from my accountant
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
#Caturday
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.