Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
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Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.