Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
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*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
nice challenge
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
pat pat
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.