pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
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Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
They must have gotten it to go.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)