Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
You Might Also Like
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
crying
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
The funk soul brother
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”