Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
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I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Otters drive ottermobiles.