Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
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Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.