Previously On Persistence 😎
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“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
what
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name