Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
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I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight