PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
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Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
That’s easy for you to say
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.