Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
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[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.